THE SCRAWL

I wait and I watch the ink
sink right in
as I scrawl my desires into existence
 
forgetting that words are spells
fails to eliminate their effect
 
remember when exclamations were made
about everything meaning nothing
and disembowelling the things
I’ve claimed to have known?
 
remember when I touted
expertise in destruction
giving way to a rebirthing moment
leading to a shiny new existence?
 
bleeding out would follow
like a truck into my face
a great way to start a brand new day
 
“how experienced are you really?”
croaks the Higher Self
“don’t forget you asked for this.”
 
so that dormant part of me arose –
the part that needed to die
for my freedom
 
and I
loved
it
to death
 
once I see it
feel it
love it
it gently dies away
 
fear of pain gets me nowhere
 
and it’s my own pain that I heal
which ultimately heals the mirror
that I live in
 
I desperately needed that
upsurging
upheaval
 
the retrieval of the dark and dead
the autopsy while I’m still alive
 
relapsing is helpful
and you had something to do with it
 
you tend to shake me to my core
 
from the moment that I burst into those doors
 
you strip my flesh back bare
without even trying
 
you can’t see everything about me –
the delicate
sometimes violent
interplay between
my infinite facets
 
I can’t see all of you either
but, fuck, did I feel you
and it lingers
obviously
otherwise I wouldn’t be here
 
so this reminder
that words are spells
brings me here now:
 
I want deep soul connections
with entities
sharing my best and worst afflictions
 
I never liked to live in between
 
I want my soul to dance
with a man
whose depth speaks to mine
while our minds intertwine
with explosions of ideas
and growth
and looking at fears
in the face
for the benefit of everything
that is
 
I want abundance
to rain down on us like the Creators
that we are
so no one need struggle
ever again
 
I want to super-accelerate
and keep my people
by my side
if they choose to come
along for the ride
 
I want freedom
in every sense of the
goddamn fucking word
and I wish the same for others
 
I want to roam this entire
goddamn fucking world
precisely now
 
and then I wait and watch the ink
sink right in
as I scrawl my desires into existence.

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